| Just for anyone that reads this, know that I made this so I could complain to it. So if its annoying or something, just don't read it. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or any of that bullshit
I'm being strictly selfish, I made this for myself. I made this so I could rant and bitch about all the stupid shit I do without having to worry about annoying people. If you gain something from this, awesome. If you need a hand or a piece of advice, I'm here. But this will continue to contain my bitching and moaning...so deal, or don't bother with my page
I fucked up, I think. I think and I don't know for sure and I would rather know that I really did fuck up then sit here wondering what woud happen if I did
Why the FUCK I can't just tell him this, I don't know. I'm fucking stupid. I can't talk, I'm too shy, I don't like to talk because my voice is weird and I stumble over every single word. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE TO EAT? I haven't done anything good for anyone. I don't do a damn thing for anyone. So when you all gave me that sandwich, and I only ate a little, and you all started to get -not upset- but more like.. wtf.. and thinking about it now, i made you all feel bad. Which makes me think I deserve it less. Don't waste your food on me, I haven't done anything good for any of you. ESPECIALLY YOU. ALL THE FUCK I DO IS BE ANNOYING AND STUPID AND DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME. I know, its annoying as fuck. And I hate myself for it. I hate how fucking stupid I am, and I hate that I hate mysef. I hate that I sound like a stupid bitch all the time, I feel like all I do is moan and groan, about everything. I can't be happy. I wish I had the fucking courage to ask you and talk to you about all the things I'm supposed to. Fucking, counseling. Yeah. I'm crazy
WHAT WOULD IT MATTER? If I were to even say those things. I avoid them because I know it'll just make things awkward as anything. I know. The things I ask you, I know you don't want to tell me, and you probably don't even want me to know. She says, "Well if he's going to be here for another year and a half that's an awful lot of time for an awful lot of things to happen..." Yeah. But you don't know. You don't know how I am with this thing. Why am I so stupid? Common questions, I thought all the worse things happened. One of them, yeah, probly did. But I can't tell you. Why would I tell you? But it would be for the best
FUCK. I'm such a baby. Coming onto my fucking blog and complaining about my life? Yeah, I'm fucking cool. Instead of solving my problems
Well, I can't solve them. That's the problem. I can't do anything on my own. I love to be alone, I hate to be lonely, but sometimes, I really do like being on my own. But I love, I love, I love, I love company. Especially good company, like yours. I'm hardly ever sad around you, because I'm always so happy.
I feel like I have this huge weight in my chest. It's overwhelming
I feel I get this weight during two different situations, the first under depression and the second under realization of beauty.
Depression; I get depressed a lot. Sometimes, I just react to things the way they shouldn't be reacted to, and I freak out. Or I overthink the situation, I freak out. By freak out, I mean have a three hour long panic attack and then cry for 8987583585 hours. I don't know how to handle things. Sometimes I'm just sad, and it's overwhelming. And I don't know what to do with it. So I just carry it around, holding it in.
I think part of the problem is that when I realize I can trust someone, I try to give them some weight- not even. I show them the weight too soon. With every fuck up, it just leaves a bigger time space for how long it'll take me to open up to the next person. I used to be so open, I haven't found a happy medium.
Beauty; Have you ever noticed, how beautiful the world is? Sometimes, when I realize this, it's overwhelming. And I don't know what to do.
So, what's the difference?
What do I want right now?
You to realize something is wrong with me, come here and hug this idiot
kthxbai |
